my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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