Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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