I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
