she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
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I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is Oprah even human
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You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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