Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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