Don't make out with my wife yet
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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