I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize