I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
