Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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