My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
