The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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