He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
