i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
