hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
