Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My vagina is officially offended.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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