Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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