My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
