I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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