Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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