I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
