I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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