my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You took a bar mat shot.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
