mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
