I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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