Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm really busy with my period
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