If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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