It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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