Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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