Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
