Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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