farters have to be the big spoon...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sober January is a disaster.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
