I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
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So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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