I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
