HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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