I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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