If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
