I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
