Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
