community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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