piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
