I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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