checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
