every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
