I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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