he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
