Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
