I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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