I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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