you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
