I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
