my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
