just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My underwear smells like fireworks.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
