I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
