Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
